You're Killing Me Smalls!

Let me set the scene for you.

The night before I flew home for Christmas, I was out with a few co-workers who have become friends. While we were out, I met a guy. We all ended up staying out way too late and the next day he offered to take me to the airport. He showed up at my house with a latte, carried my suitcases, made me promise to call him if I needed anything, and double checked that I got through security without issue.

All signs are pointing to "This person does not think you are gross." 

SCORE!

We texted a few times over the break and at one point I suggested we get together when we are both back on California soil.

To that suggestion, I got a solid week of radio silence. Amelia Earhart had more communication while circling the Burmuda Triangle than I had from Christmas Boy. 

I chalked it up to his loss not mine and went about my merry way.

A few days after I got back to California I received a text from that read, "Sorry for the silence. I've been sick. Want to get together on Sunday for some football and beers?"

"Sure!" I respond.

Hmmm... interesting development. Nearly a week of silence and now football and beers? Okay! I can work with that.

I ultimately ended up having to cancel our date at the last minute, but he was great about it.
Even when it happened for the second time...

Well, I know he can deal with my crazy, spontaneous life and doesn't get upset when plans change... So that's a plus! 

Finally, nearly a month after our first meeting, it works out for us to get together. Christmas comes to pick me and we go to play Trivia at Dave and Busters.

Now, I love Trivia. I used to play Trivia every week when I lived in Pittsburgh. And I've had several great dates that have involved Trivia playing, so I've got fairly high hopes for this date. And in the week preceding this date, I've talked sooooo much trash about how awesome I am at Trivia and how I'm going to wipe the floor with him that now not only is a date at stake, my Trivia Pride is as well.

As it usually happens when I talk smack about how awesome I am at something, the exact opposite happens. It was as if I had cotton balls for brains! The loss was so bad he asked me if I let him win, to which I responded "I'll never tell," hoping he would assume I had.

In my defense those Trivia question were super hard! And I might have been paying more attention to Christmas than the game. Sue me.  And the version we were playing featured much more obscure sporting questions than I really think was fair, and not nearly enough geography and history! 

Since I lost, and we had a bet, and I never welsh on a bet, I had to wear my jacket backwards, tied up like a straight jacket and tell people I had just been let out of a mental institution. In order to get out of my "straight jacket" I had to get two different people to give me a shoulder bump (a high five wouldn't work since my hands were inaccessible).

"This is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel! There is a group of junior high school boys standing over there playing video games. I bet I can get them all to give me a shoulder bump." I said as I strode purposely over to the cluster of boys.

"Excuse me?" I said, launching into the mental patient story. "Can I get you give me a shoulder bump?" I asked at the end of my soliloquy.

"Ummm... I don't think so. I don't want to get involved." said one of the guys looking extremely awkward. "This seems like a couple problem."

"Ahhhh come on!" I pleaded.

"Nope." He said turning around.

Well, I guess some guys don't like crazy bitches... Maybe that starts in high school? 

Meanwhile, Christmas is laughing his head off. And taking this picture. 

I'm not sure what is wrong with my eye...

"Seriously?" I say turning around in disbelief. "I can't believe a junior high schooler isn't into this? What junior high school boy doesn't want to give a cute girl a shoulder bump? That guy will help me out!" I say spying some sort of Monk or Priest. What this bearded, black robe clad man wearing a GIANT gold cross around his neck was doing in Dave and Buster's I wasn't quite sure. But given the vows he almost certainly had taken to help the poor and distressed, I figured he was a safe bet. 

"Excuse me sir?" I said planting myself in front of him and starting into my shpeal. Hmmmm, probably shouldn't have mentioned we were betting... The Bible specifically says don't do that. Too late now. Maybe, he'll help me anyway. "Can you give me a shoulder bump?" I asked as I came to the end of the saga.

"Sure!" he says smiling and bumping my shoulder with his. "How many more of these do you need?"

"Just one!"

"Come with me! My niece will help you out." He said with a head nod, leading us through the arcade.

"I"m free! I'm free at last!" I squeal after his niece has bumped my shoulder. "Thank you guys so much!"

After we left the Monk and his arcade loving family, we headed over to play some ski ball (Which I won, thank goodness! I had to redeem myself!)

A few games of ski ball, some speed racer driving game that I was atrocious at, we decided we had had enough game playing and headed to check out the "prizes". After perusing the high quality items ranging from a Wii that took a gazillion million tickets, to the bouncing balls and expandable back-scratchers that only took a mere 500 tickets, we decided to spend our tickets on a unicorn.

Now, I didn't really want this unicorn, but it seemed really important to Christmas that we leave with something. 

"I hate to take your tickets." I said. "You should keep them and then next time you're here you could get something that you actually want."

"No, it's fine! Tickets are for spending. Hopefully, you'll look at this and remember a fun time."

"I'm sure I will." I said as we left the store. Is it rude to shove this thing in my purse? I feel ridiculous carrying a stuffed unicorn! Just carry it to the car Crigger! He did a nice thing!

Back at my house, I said, "Well, do you want to come in and hang out for awhile? Or are you ready to call it a night?"

"I can hang out for awhile."

"Alright. Want a beer or a bourbon?" I asked as we walked into the kitchen.

"I'd take a water. I should probably stop drinking since I will have to drive at some point."

"Okay." I said pouring him a water.
I hand him the glass and he takes a long, slow drink.

"Geeze, timing just sucks." He said clenching the glass.

"Ummm... how so?" I asked, confused.

"Well, I've kind of started seeing someone. And it isn't that I'm not attracted to you, because I am. It's just timing."

"Oh." I literally said Oh. It was like I had been lifted up out of my body and couldn't form real words. 

"You're really great. And I do like you. And tonight was really fun."

What the heck is happening right now? If you are seeing someone exclusively then we should never have gone out. And if it isn't exclusive, what does that person have to do with me, because I, for one, was just on a great date. Were you not on that date? Did we go on two different dates together. And, by the way, damn straight I'm great! Clearly too great for you, idiot! 

These were all things that ran through my head in the 10 second pause I used to pick myself off the floor.
Did I say any of these things?
No.  

Instead I went with this gem: "It's all about timing. Everything in life is."

Seriously, Crigger. Pull it together. Not that timing isn't important, but geeze!

"Ugh, sometimes I hate being so honest." He said dropping his forehead into his palm

Excuse me? What does that even mean? I believe what you mean is that you are honestly, kinda cheating on someone right now if you feel the need to have this discussion with me!

"Honesty isn't a bad thing." I say awkwardly, as if I am trying to make him feel better. 

WHAT?! Great line Socrates. I hear them scratching that one into a stone tablet right now. I'm sure it will be preserved for the ages.

"I would like to have just kept my mouth shut, because I'm really attracted to you."

I think I might vomit. Don't vomit! You just cleaned the floor!

"Ugh, this sucks." He said, stepping forward and giving me weirdly tight hug.

This sucks for you? Oh, I'm sorry. Forgive me because I am pretty sure I'm the one getting dumped by someone I'm not dating after a great second date, where I willing made a fool of myself. Are you for real? Why are you hugging me so tightly? It is like you're trying to memorize me. This is weird. I want you to leave.  I want you to not be touching me. Get. Out. GET. OUT. GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!!!!!

"Well, um call me when it doesn't work out with that less awesome girl..." I said pushing him towards the door.
"Ugh. I just wish I hadn't been honest."
Why? Do you think if you hadn't had this conversation that we'd be getting wild upstairs right now? 
"Good night." I said opening the door.
Seriously? Did that just happen? Is he for real? Was this some strange dream and I'll wake up very confused tomorrow? I thought as I slammed the door a bit harder than I meant to behind him.

Doubtful. Very doubtful. I thought picking up Martin (named since it was MLK weekend) the Unicorn and walking upstairs to my room.

Well, work is certainly going to be awkward the next time I bump into him on campus. I thought tossing the unicorn into the back of my closet. 

Oh, did I forget to mention that Christmas is my co-worker?

Yep.

#FML