The right message from a potential suitor can instantly have me hooked. The wrong message can have me blocking you faster than you can type "Hi, there!"
"So what is the secret to a good message?" a guy friend asked me recently.
Honestly, I have no idea. I can tell you what not to lead with though.
Exhibit A: Know Your Audience
Hi there,
First I will share that I am older, 44, and also married. (The UPPER limit of my profile is 36... and I specifically note that I am ONLY interested in single dudes) With that said I can tell you that I am also looking for a special friendship, (a.k.a. as they say in Japan a sexo furendo- or sex friend. Excuse me as I vomit 44 year old married creeper) someone that I can share personal thoughts and pieces of life with. I am a very respectful, (I'd be curious what your wife has to say about this aspect of your personality, because part of my definition of respectful is not cheating on someone. But hey, I'm an old fashioned southern lady so what do I know?) professional guy who works in Tustin. I am in shape although not a gymrat (his picture was only of his torso-- hello spaghetti arms and boney ribs while also having a gut? I am astounded that being shaped like that is even possible. He looked like Kurt from Gilmore Girls.), taller and look younger (honest). If you want to get coffee or email (sorry, texting won't work, I do need discretion)-- (Yeah... if your wife finds out your cheating it will probably be a real bummer, huh?), please let me know. I would enjoy hearing a new friend. I had a previous female friend and enjoyed sharing with her quite a bit (I bet you did.). If not..good luck to you! If it becomes more that is great, I am very open minded! (I bet you are... Your wife is truly blessed.)
I think we all see why this is wrong on several levels.
Exhibit B: Start Out Slow
Hi Crigger-Chan,
I noticed in your profile that you like Disneyland. I love Disney too! I would love to take you there sometime.
Ummm... I haven't even agreed to go to Starbucks with you yet, I am not about to let you ruin Disneyland for me. How about you take a chill pill and by me a $4 coffee instead of a $70+ ticket to Disney?
A first date should be short and low pressure. And provide us both with an escape hatch. Disneyland is an all day commitment. I go there with my friends, out-of-town guests, or a 5th date with someone whose company I enjoy. THIS is not a first date location. And furthermore, we have not exchanged so much as a "Hello", let's not jump into 5th date territory just yet.
Exhibit C: Don't Be Offensive
The following message was copied verbatim...
I think you are cute. But alas, you are a Christian, and thus chances are we would not get along charmingly, (then why are you wasting your time writing this email?) as I would frequently point out problems with Christianity and the bible. On the other hand, from your match questions, you dont seem to concern yourself with the fact that the bible condemns fornication. (Much like you don't seem to concern yourself with grammar and punctuation. And I don't actually remember saying anything about fornication in my profile... ) So maybe you are beginning to have doubts and you are on your way out of christianity. If that is the case, I could be very helpful--and thus, I offer to sit down for a bible study if you wish. How bout it? You could at least have a chance to save my soul. Jesus would approve.
I actually took the time to reply to this yahoo and told him ever so nicely that while I have many talents, saving souls isn't one of them. That is really more of my homeboy, JC's forte. I did offer to meet him and talk about the Bible, but warned him he might be disappointed when I started poking holes in all his big problems with the Bible (i.e. his issue with the verse "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into Heaven." He was sad to learn the eye of the needle refers to a real place, the entrance to a city, and to get a camel through it, you actually had to unload it. Oh, and the fact that metaphors have been used in story telling since the dawn of time.)
We had several more asinine exchanges very similar to this.
You can't out Bible me buddy! I've asked all the same questions. And arrived at an answer that can explained through looking at historical context and with a junior high school student's grasp of literary devices. And that doesn't make my God any less real. Faith by definition is something that can't be explained.
BOOM.
Let me just clarify. I don't have a problem with people who don't believe in God (clearly from varied dating history and array of friends). What I do have a problem with are D-bags.
"So what is the secret to a good message?" a guy friend asked me recently.
Honestly, I have no idea. I can tell you what not to lead with though.
Exhibit A: Know Your Audience
Hi there,
First I will share that I am older, 44, and also married. (The UPPER limit of my profile is 36... and I specifically note that I am ONLY interested in single dudes) With that said I can tell you that I am also looking for a special friendship, (a.k.a. as they say in Japan a sexo furendo- or sex friend. Excuse me as I vomit 44 year old married creeper) someone that I can share personal thoughts and pieces of life with. I am a very respectful, (I'd be curious what your wife has to say about this aspect of your personality, because part of my definition of respectful is not cheating on someone. But hey, I'm an old fashioned southern lady so what do I know?) professional guy who works in Tustin. I am in shape although not a gymrat (his picture was only of his torso-- hello spaghetti arms and boney ribs while also having a gut? I am astounded that being shaped like that is even possible. He looked like Kurt from Gilmore Girls.), taller and look younger (honest). If you want to get coffee or email (sorry, texting won't work, I do need discretion)-- (Yeah... if your wife finds out your cheating it will probably be a real bummer, huh?), please let me know. I would enjoy hearing a new friend. I had a previous female friend and enjoyed sharing with her quite a bit (I bet you did.). If not..good luck to you! If it becomes more that is great, I am very open minded! (I bet you are... Your wife is truly blessed.)
I think we all see why this is wrong on several levels.
Exhibit B: Start Out Slow
Hi Crigger-Chan,
I noticed in your profile that you like Disneyland. I love Disney too! I would love to take you there sometime.
Ummm... I haven't even agreed to go to Starbucks with you yet, I am not about to let you ruin Disneyland for me. How about you take a chill pill and by me a $4 coffee instead of a $70+ ticket to Disney?
A first date should be short and low pressure. And provide us both with an escape hatch. Disneyland is an all day commitment. I go there with my friends, out-of-town guests, or a 5th date with someone whose company I enjoy. THIS is not a first date location. And furthermore, we have not exchanged so much as a "Hello", let's not jump into 5th date territory just yet.
Exhibit C: Don't Be Offensive
The following message was copied verbatim...
I think you are cute. But alas, you are a Christian, and thus chances are we would not get along charmingly, (then why are you wasting your time writing this email?) as I would frequently point out problems with Christianity and the bible. On the other hand, from your match questions, you dont seem to concern yourself with the fact that the bible condemns fornication. (Much like you don't seem to concern yourself with grammar and punctuation. And I don't actually remember saying anything about fornication in my profile... ) So maybe you are beginning to have doubts and you are on your way out of christianity. If that is the case, I could be very helpful--and thus, I offer to sit down for a bible study if you wish. How bout it? You could at least have a chance to save my soul. Jesus would approve.
I actually took the time to reply to this yahoo and told him ever so nicely that while I have many talents, saving souls isn't one of them. That is really more of my homeboy, JC's forte. I did offer to meet him and talk about the Bible, but warned him he might be disappointed when I started poking holes in all his big problems with the Bible (i.e. his issue with the verse "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into Heaven." He was sad to learn the eye of the needle refers to a real place, the entrance to a city, and to get a camel through it, you actually had to unload it. Oh, and the fact that metaphors have been used in story telling since the dawn of time.)
We had several more asinine exchanges very similar to this.
You can't out Bible me buddy! I've asked all the same questions. And arrived at an answer that can explained through looking at historical context and with a junior high school student's grasp of literary devices. And that doesn't make my God any less real. Faith by definition is something that can't be explained.
BOOM.
Let me just clarify. I don't have a problem with people who don't believe in God (clearly from varied dating history and array of friends). What I do have a problem with are D-bags.
Here, here! As professional heathen myself, I would never take it upon myself to shit all over something that is really important to someone for no reason at all to make myself feel better than them. Lame demonstrations of superiority, what a turn off. If you need to denigrate other people to support what you think, you have a problem. One extremely helpful aspects of most d-bags is how quickly they self-identify. Really it's the least they could do.
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