Frederick and I had been trying to meet up for awhile. We had rescheduled our date once because I had double booked myself. Yes. I have done this twice in recent memory. I of course didn't tell him that. I blamed it on a work emergency. Luckily, he doesn't know enough about my job to know that emergencies are rare. And even more rarely do they actually affect me.
I really need a social secretary. It would simplify things.
We decided to meet on Sunday after he finishes playing golf in Aliso Viejo. He gives me call as he leaves the course and we agree to meet at Karl Strauss, a brewery, near the South Coast Plaza. I needed to run some errands over there and it is right off the 405, which he would be taking on his drive back to LA.
Plus, he wanted to eat since he had been playing golf and they have pretty decent food. I just wanted a drink since I had eaten like an hour earlier. And who doesn't want a drink after a round of golf?
Now hear is where I start to sound like an alcoholic...
So, anyway, the brewery seemed like a great idea.
Once seated at the brewery I asked the waitress for a sample of two of the beers and Fred ordered some food. When the waitress brought back the sample I drank half of the first one and offered it to Fred to try.
"No thanks. I don't drink."
I guess we have answered the question of who doesn't want a drink after a round of golf. Fred.
"At all?" I say flabbergasted,
"I used to be an alcoholic."
"Well I supposed a brewery was a poor choice." I say. Oh. My. Gosh. Can a date start off any more awkwardly? And why didn't you say something when I suggested a brewery?!? Do you think it's fun to watch the color drain from people's faces as they have, for lack of a better word, an "Oh crap!" moment?
"Just kidding. I wasn't really an alcoholic, but you were ready to run weren't you?"
"Well, not run... At least not out of the restaurant. That would be rude. But certainly ready to block your number. Why don't you drink?"
"Just never really got into drinking."
"Oh. Okay."
We chatted about the kind of nothing people talk about on first dates. To be honest, I'm not really sure what all we talked about because he changed topics and interrupted me so much that the conversation left me feeling like I'd been pinging around inside a pinball machine for an hour. I know we talked about skiing, how he used to live in New England, golf, and then some how we got on to the topic of past relationships.
Okay, not somehow. He asked me if I had had any long term relationships. What normal, non-psychotic 28 year old hasn't had at least one long term relationship?
And who asks this halfway into a a first date? Particularly one that is going as great as this one. Ummm, no thanks! I'm not really eager to open up that Pandora's box of flying howler monkeys. And I'm just talking about my own dating history. It is hard telling what kind of creatures will fly out of the other person's past.
I explained my recent past as simply, and quickly, as I could.
"My ex boyfriend was selfish and never willing to compromise. The end. Good riddance to bad luggage." I said, figuratively dusting off my hands.
Then I got to hear about Fred's recent past. It wasn't anything bad or that caused alarm, but I just don't want to be talking about exes with someone who I don't actually see myself going on a second date with. Then in the middle of the conversation Fred was like, "Well do you want to go?"
Hmmm... That was awfully abrupt. But shew! He isn't that into me either! Good! Now we can part ways both pretending this awkward afternoon date at a brewery with someone who doesn't drink never happened.
Looking at my phone I realized it was 3:30 and I actually did need to get moving since I had several errands I needed to run. Big red flag. I would rather go pick up my dry cleaning and buy groceries than spend more time with you...
He walks me to my car, which is a nice gesture, though it doesn't really make up for his weak, half-attempt to pay for my beer. I half-hug him goodbye and jump into GP and escape.
Yeah!
Or so I think.
While cruising the aisles of Trader Joe's I get a text message from Fred.
"I kind of got the vibe that you weren't feeling the situation, am I correct." His bad grammar. Not mine.
"Yeah... You are great, but you seem more like someone I would be friends with, not someone I would date." He said he liked honesty. He sure got it. He might change his mind about that...
"May I ask why? You said you have been out with several people who you wouldn't date but would be friends with."
Dear Lord... Since when did not wanting to date someone you go out with once turn into a crime?
"The no drinking thing is kind of an issue for me. I like going wine tasting and I want to open a bourbon distillery. I just didn't really feel like we clicked. I didn't get the impression you were that into me either"
"Clicked...?"
Who doesn't know what clicked means?
"And I am considering opening a bar. I'm not quite sure how the drinking matters? If I don't drink with you that's a problem? And I am very much into you. It was a first meeting so things can be hard to feel out."
Oh my gosh... How much more clear can I be? Does he need me to draw him a Venn Diagram so he can see where we don't mesh? Why do people say they want honesty when they really don't?
"Like I said, you seem nice, but I'm just not sure we click. If it doesn't seem to work why waste each other's time?" I have four other guys with whom I actually see a future possibly developing. Why waste my time on you when I know it isn't going anywhere? That's just cruel.
"So one and done, that's it? That's your opinion based on a 20 minute conversation." It was closer to an hour and 20 minutes, but I'm going to let this slide since I just want this conversation to be OVER! As quickly as possible! "I feel like your opinion was already formed prior because you have nothing to base it on other than the no drinking. That's like saying this won't work because you're a vegetarian. Blabbity blah blah blah." He kept texting. The blabbity blah blah is more interesting than what he said.
"Badgering me is really not the best way to get a second date."
"By no mean is it my intent to badger you. I was simply trying to make a point and find clarity in your decision."
Find clarity in my decision? This is a first date, not the end of a 20 year marriage. I'm just not feeling it buddy. Move on. Go swim up to another fish. There are a million single people swimming around out here! Go splash around in some other pool!
"Look. It was nothing you did or said I'm just not interested. You seem nice and fun, but I don't want to waste your time, or mine."
"This is where I am confused. It should be something. Did you not get a vibe from your ex that he was selfish?"
SERIOUSLY? You're going to bring up my ex right now? And no, he managed to hide that feature of his personality for a long time.
This is where I quit trying to give him whatever closure he needed and stopped responding.
The more I date, the more I realize there is a reason some people turn to online dating. Some people head online because they are new to an area (me), really busy with careers (me, Rex, John), have friends who have had good luck online (me again).
Others end up here because they have no idea how to date and can't seem to understand why their tactics aren't working. I am sure Fred will tell his friends "She just didn't give me a chance." And maybe I didn't. But a second date, or a seventieth, wasn't going to make me feel any more of a spark. If it isn't there pretty quickly, it probably wont ever be.
And I can say that pretty confidently after going on 16 first dates this year.
I'm well on my way to 52!
I really need a social secretary. It would simplify things.
We decided to meet on Sunday after he finishes playing golf in Aliso Viejo. He gives me call as he leaves the course and we agree to meet at Karl Strauss, a brewery, near the South Coast Plaza. I needed to run some errands over there and it is right off the 405, which he would be taking on his drive back to LA.
Plus, he wanted to eat since he had been playing golf and they have pretty decent food. I just wanted a drink since I had eaten like an hour earlier. And who doesn't want a drink after a round of golf?
Now hear is where I start to sound like an alcoholic...
So, anyway, the brewery seemed like a great idea.
Once seated at the brewery I asked the waitress for a sample of two of the beers and Fred ordered some food. When the waitress brought back the sample I drank half of the first one and offered it to Fred to try.
"No thanks. I don't drink."
I guess we have answered the question of who doesn't want a drink after a round of golf. Fred.
"At all?" I say flabbergasted,
"I used to be an alcoholic."
"Well I supposed a brewery was a poor choice." I say. Oh. My. Gosh. Can a date start off any more awkwardly? And why didn't you say something when I suggested a brewery?!? Do you think it's fun to watch the color drain from people's faces as they have, for lack of a better word, an "Oh crap!" moment?
"Just kidding. I wasn't really an alcoholic, but you were ready to run weren't you?"
"Well, not run... At least not out of the restaurant. That would be rude. But certainly ready to block your number. Why don't you drink?"
"Just never really got into drinking."
"Oh. Okay."
We chatted about the kind of nothing people talk about on first dates. To be honest, I'm not really sure what all we talked about because he changed topics and interrupted me so much that the conversation left me feeling like I'd been pinging around inside a pinball machine for an hour. I know we talked about skiing, how he used to live in New England, golf, and then some how we got on to the topic of past relationships.
Okay, not somehow. He asked me if I had had any long term relationships. What normal, non-psychotic 28 year old hasn't had at least one long term relationship?
And who asks this halfway into a a first date? Particularly one that is going as great as this one. Ummm, no thanks! I'm not really eager to open up that Pandora's box of flying howler monkeys. And I'm just talking about my own dating history. It is hard telling what kind of creatures will fly out of the other person's past.
I explained my recent past as simply, and quickly, as I could.
"My ex boyfriend was selfish and never willing to compromise. The end. Good riddance to bad luggage." I said, figuratively dusting off my hands.
Then I got to hear about Fred's recent past. It wasn't anything bad or that caused alarm, but I just don't want to be talking about exes with someone who I don't actually see myself going on a second date with. Then in the middle of the conversation Fred was like, "Well do you want to go?"
Hmmm... That was awfully abrupt. But shew! He isn't that into me either! Good! Now we can part ways both pretending this awkward afternoon date at a brewery with someone who doesn't drink never happened.
Looking at my phone I realized it was 3:30 and I actually did need to get moving since I had several errands I needed to run. Big red flag. I would rather go pick up my dry cleaning and buy groceries than spend more time with you...
He walks me to my car, which is a nice gesture, though it doesn't really make up for his weak, half-attempt to pay for my beer. I half-hug him goodbye and jump into GP and escape.
Yeah!
Or so I think.
While cruising the aisles of Trader Joe's I get a text message from Fred.
"I kind of got the vibe that you weren't feeling the situation, am I correct." His bad grammar. Not mine.
"Yeah... You are great, but you seem more like someone I would be friends with, not someone I would date." He said he liked honesty. He sure got it. He might change his mind about that...
"May I ask why? You said you have been out with several people who you wouldn't date but would be friends with."
Dear Lord... Since when did not wanting to date someone you go out with once turn into a crime?
"The no drinking thing is kind of an issue for me. I like going wine tasting and I want to open a bourbon distillery. I just didn't really feel like we clicked. I didn't get the impression you were that into me either"
"Clicked...?"
Who doesn't know what clicked means?
"And I am considering opening a bar. I'm not quite sure how the drinking matters? If I don't drink with you that's a problem? And I am very much into you. It was a first meeting so things can be hard to feel out."
Oh my gosh... How much more clear can I be? Does he need me to draw him a Venn Diagram so he can see where we don't mesh? Why do people say they want honesty when they really don't?
"Like I said, you seem nice, but I'm just not sure we click. If it doesn't seem to work why waste each other's time?" I have four other guys with whom I actually see a future possibly developing. Why waste my time on you when I know it isn't going anywhere? That's just cruel.
"So one and done, that's it? That's your opinion based on a 20 minute conversation." It was closer to an hour and 20 minutes, but I'm going to let this slide since I just want this conversation to be OVER! As quickly as possible! "I feel like your opinion was already formed prior because you have nothing to base it on other than the no drinking. That's like saying this won't work because you're a vegetarian. Blabbity blah blah blah." He kept texting. The blabbity blah blah is more interesting than what he said.
"Badgering me is really not the best way to get a second date."
"By no mean is it my intent to badger you. I was simply trying to make a point and find clarity in your decision."
Find clarity in my decision? This is a first date, not the end of a 20 year marriage. I'm just not feeling it buddy. Move on. Go swim up to another fish. There are a million single people swimming around out here! Go splash around in some other pool!
"Look. It was nothing you did or said I'm just not interested. You seem nice and fun, but I don't want to waste your time, or mine."
"This is where I am confused. It should be something. Did you not get a vibe from your ex that he was selfish?"
SERIOUSLY? You're going to bring up my ex right now? And no, he managed to hide that feature of his personality for a long time.
This is where I quit trying to give him whatever closure he needed and stopped responding.
The more I date, the more I realize there is a reason some people turn to online dating. Some people head online because they are new to an area (me), really busy with careers (me, Rex, John), have friends who have had good luck online (me again).
Others end up here because they have no idea how to date and can't seem to understand why their tactics aren't working. I am sure Fred will tell his friends "She just didn't give me a chance." And maybe I didn't. But a second date, or a seventieth, wasn't going to make me feel any more of a spark. If it isn't there pretty quickly, it probably wont ever be.
And I can say that pretty confidently after going on 16 first dates this year.
I'm well on my way to 52!
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