Being raised in the South by a mother who taught Emily Post everything she knows, I often find it difficult to be anything less than extremely tactful in social situations. While this leads to good first impressions, successful job interviews, and people generally liking me, it also gets me into sticky situations with men in whom I am not interested.
I smile, which men mistake for enjoyment, but really the corners of my mouth just always turn up. Some people have angry resting features. Not me, my face is like that of a clown's with a smile painted on. I can be sobbing or running, and I am still smiling. Plus, I'll try anything once (except bad clothes) and find myself on first dates with people I know I am not interested in because I know it takes courage to ask someone out. I am too polite to leave a date in the middle (except for one time when I climbed out a window). At the end social convention has me trained to say, "I had a nice time", because I did have a relatively nice time compared to spending the evening in the ER getting treatment for a shark bite.
I really think it is the word "nice" that gets me into trouble. Add my accent full of "nices" that sound more like "niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice" and people think I am flirting. Not to mention that in the South, the word "nice" has a different meaning than it does in other parts of the country. Allow me to explain.
Non-Southern Lady: She is a nice girl.
Translation: She is a nice girl.
Southern lady: She is a nice girl.
Translation: She is far beneath me and I will plaster on a fake smile and suffer through it, but the only way she'll get into the Junior League is stepping over my dead body. *Ghetto finger snapping and pursed lips are also implied in this statement*
...So at the end of my date with Sonny* what do I say when he says "I had fun."
You guessed it.
"I had a nice time..." Relative to being forced to watch an art installation piece where a lady gives birth in front of a live audience. Yes, this was nicer than that would have been.
The following day when Sonny* texted me, "I had a nice time with you last night. Would you like to make plans to get together another evening coming up?"
I waited a solid 36 hours before replying with, "I had a nice time too, but I am really busy this week and next and don't have time to get together." Hoping he would read this between between my polite lines. Let's face it buddy, if I was really into you I would find time in my busy schedule to see you.
Thirty seconds later, Sonny* has replied. "Let's plan something for the week of the 12th."
I choose to ignore that text.
Two days later I got "How's your day going?"
I also ignored that text.
Three days after that I got a phone call, which I let go to voicemail.
As you read this imagine that someone is pinching his chin and pulling his lips back as he talks so he kind of hisses. "Heeeeey, this is Sonny*. It's Thursday over here, about 7:00. My number is 555.888.1313. I'll talk to you soon."
Is it not Thursday where I am? Don't we live in the same county? I clearly have your phone number since I responded to a text message. And really, do you honestly think will you talk to me soon? I haven't responded to three texts which would take all of 30 seconds. I doubt I'll be returning your call.
And shock of shocks; I didn't call him back. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. After all it was only one date. Why call him only to tell him "It's not me. It's you." That just seems mean.
The following Monday I get another text.
"Hey. How was your weekend? Would you like to make plans for an evening this week?"
If I wanted to make plans with you I would have. A WEEK AGO. Do you not understand you are getting the brush off here? Seriously, three unanswered text messages and an unreturned phone call? Clearly you have not seen He's just not that into you? Or if you did, you learned nothing from it. Watch it. You might learn something. The same principles apply to gals!
I decide I have to text him back, if only to put him out of his misery and to stop him from blowing up my phone with his texts and voice-mails. My mom, a.k.a. Emily Post said telling him "I'm just not interested in you." was too blunt and mean even if I use my thickest accent.
"Well how about telling him you are joining a nunnery?"
"Can't. My Match.com profile says I'm protestant."
"Well drat!"
"Yep, because that is a likely story. Young lady moves to California, breaks up with boyfriend, has a bad date and joins a nunnery."
I went with a simple text to avoid lying directly to someone's ear.
"Sonny, I'm really sorry, but I don't think I am ready to be dating. I am still attached to someone from my past."
Send = Problem solved.
Or not.
Within two minutes you-know-who was blowing up my phone. Worried about what I would find on the other end of the line I let it go to voice-mail. And promptly blocked him on Match.com so he couldn't see my newly updated profile...
The next day I get this text message.
"Hey Crigger-chan, keep my number and let me know when you might be ready to date again."
Yes, I will keep your number. For screening purposes.
I smile, which men mistake for enjoyment, but really the corners of my mouth just always turn up. Some people have angry resting features. Not me, my face is like that of a clown's with a smile painted on. I can be sobbing or running, and I am still smiling. Plus, I'll try anything once (except bad clothes) and find myself on first dates with people I know I am not interested in because I know it takes courage to ask someone out. I am too polite to leave a date in the middle (except for one time when I climbed out a window). At the end social convention has me trained to say, "I had a nice time", because I did have a relatively nice time compared to spending the evening in the ER getting treatment for a shark bite.
I really think it is the word "nice" that gets me into trouble. Add my accent full of "nices" that sound more like "niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice" and people think I am flirting. Not to mention that in the South, the word "nice" has a different meaning than it does in other parts of the country. Allow me to explain.
Non-Southern Lady: She is a nice girl.
Translation: She is a nice girl.
Southern lady: She is a nice girl.
Translation: She is far beneath me and I will plaster on a fake smile and suffer through it, but the only way she'll get into the Junior League is stepping over my dead body. *Ghetto finger snapping and pursed lips are also implied in this statement*
...So at the end of my date with Sonny* what do I say when he says "I had fun."
You guessed it.
"I had a nice time..." Relative to being forced to watch an art installation piece where a lady gives birth in front of a live audience. Yes, this was nicer than that would have been.
The following day when Sonny* texted me, "I had a nice time with you last night. Would you like to make plans to get together another evening coming up?"
I waited a solid 36 hours before replying with, "I had a nice time too, but I am really busy this week and next and don't have time to get together." Hoping he would read this between between my polite lines. Let's face it buddy, if I was really into you I would find time in my busy schedule to see you.
Thirty seconds later, Sonny* has replied. "Let's plan something for the week of the 12th."
I choose to ignore that text.
Two days later I got "How's your day going?"
I also ignored that text.
Three days after that I got a phone call, which I let go to voicemail.
As you read this imagine that someone is pinching his chin and pulling his lips back as he talks so he kind of hisses. "Heeeeey, this is Sonny*. It's Thursday over here, about 7:00. My number is 555.888.1313. I'll talk to you soon."
Is it not Thursday where I am? Don't we live in the same county? I clearly have your phone number since I responded to a text message. And really, do you honestly think will you talk to me soon? I haven't responded to three texts which would take all of 30 seconds. I doubt I'll be returning your call.
And shock of shocks; I didn't call him back. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. After all it was only one date. Why call him only to tell him "It's not me. It's you." That just seems mean.
The following Monday I get another text.
"Hey. How was your weekend? Would you like to make plans for an evening this week?"
If I wanted to make plans with you I would have. A WEEK AGO. Do you not understand you are getting the brush off here? Seriously, three unanswered text messages and an unreturned phone call? Clearly you have not seen He's just not that into you? Or if you did, you learned nothing from it. Watch it. You might learn something. The same principles apply to gals!
I decide I have to text him back, if only to put him out of his misery and to stop him from blowing up my phone with his texts and voice-mails. My mom, a.k.a. Emily Post said telling him "I'm just not interested in you." was too blunt and mean even if I use my thickest accent.
"Well how about telling him you are joining a nunnery?"
"Can't. My Match.com profile says I'm protestant."
"Well drat!"
"Yep, because that is a likely story. Young lady moves to California, breaks up with boyfriend, has a bad date and joins a nunnery."
I went with a simple text to avoid lying directly to someone's ear.
"Sonny, I'm really sorry, but I don't think I am ready to be dating. I am still attached to someone from my past."
Send = Problem solved.
Or not.
Within two minutes you-know-who was blowing up my phone. Worried about what I would find on the other end of the line I let it go to voice-mail. And promptly blocked him on Match.com so he couldn't see my newly updated profile...
The next day I get this text message.
"Hey Crigger-chan, keep my number and let me know when you might be ready to date again."
Yes, I will keep your number. For screening purposes.
Great way to start the last day of the work week. They can't resist ya'! Cove
ReplyDeleteOk, you had me grinning from the title and halfway thru I'm thinking this may be your funniest post ever (I've read most now, but out of order). Love that I can just see you doing the southern lady lip thing.
ReplyDeleteBut come on with the passive blow offs! Obviously, you are amazing and will probably be the most fantabulous woman anyone in California has ever met (you are southern, sha) so of course they're going to fall to your feet and crawl behind you like puppies. The really nice and polite thing to do is put them out of their misery. A quick, "I had a nice time, but I'm not interested, happy hunting!" Is easy and merciful.