Up in flames.

When Dale first messaged me on OKCupid he opened with "What do you think of Orange County guys so far?"

My initial response was "I'm unimpressed." But decided that was a little mean and not entirely true, more just a reflection of my recent dating rough patch than my actual feelings. Instead I responded with, "So far I like Orange Co! And the guys are OK too!" I figured go with a cheeky response.

After a few more short emails I suggested we meet up for a drink. I'm not really into these long, protracted email exchanges. Let's just go out and see if I can stand you for longer than 45 minutes. If I stay for a second drink. You might get a second date. Otherwise, I'll cut my losses, go home, put on yoga pants and try to salvage the evening with an episode of Ally McBeal on Netflix and maybe a little quilting.

We agreed to meet up at a local place in Newport Beach that has outdoor fire pits and a decent bourbon selection. As we settled into some chairs near a fire pit I asked the waitress what bourbons they stocked. And she proceeded to provide me with a list of Scotch. And Whiskey. She didn't mention a single bourbon.
This was the least offensive thing that happened all night

 I had seen Woodford Reserve on my way in so I just asked for a Woodford with a couple of ice cubes and Dale order a Manhattan.

Alright. He drinks bourbon. He can't be that bad. Right? Right?

When our drinks arrive he takes one look at his (served in a well glass) and says to the waitress. "I wanted it up."
She and I looked at each other flabbergasted.
Who does he think he is? Carry Bradshaw?
But she brought him a new Manhattan prepared up.
There is just something about a man drinking a manly drink from a fru-fru glass that makes me cringe inside.
I could learn to let that go, though.

As we sat by the fire chatting and people watching he motioned to a woman who walked by clad in a leopard print outfit.
"Overdressed or under dressed?" He asked. "I mean we are sitting around a fire pit."
"Well, I guess it depends on what her plans are after she leaves here. Maybe she has to go play surrogate mother to some sort of jungle cat."
"So what were some culture shocks you had when you moved out here."
"Well, its still surprising that when I smile at people when I pass them on the street, they don't usually smile back. And the amount of people who have gotten completely ready, make-up, hair, nails, high heels, etc... and somehow managed to leave the house still wearing their pajama bottoms, which are sweat pants that say Juicy on them."
"Yeah. I've lived out here for 15 years and I still find the plastic surgery ridiculous. Like that girl that just walked by with the huge fake tits."
Oh. My. Did he just say huge fake tits? On a first date? "Yeah... That is surprising. I just don't get it."
"And you know those people who just look kind of retarded? Like the people with Down Syndrome how they all look the same?"
WHAT! Retarded is not a descriptive adjective!! You don't use that word. I can think of some descriptive adjectives for you. Asshole, for starters. Followed closely by idiot.
The assault must have flashed across my face because he followed his commit with this.
"I'm not making fun of retarded people."
Oh my gosh. He said it again. And it is just getting worse.
"I just mean that all the people with plastic surgery look the same. I'm still waiting on that penis reduction surgery."
SERIOUSLY!  Who says that? ON A FIRST DATE? I'm not your bro, dude!
"That was a joke."
Oh. Now he thinks I need a horrible joke explained. Where is that waitress? I need another drink to throw on this giant boob!
"So, but you like California so far?"
"Yeah. I do. It's a big change at times, but you can't beat the weather and I love my job!"
"So you just moved out here for a job? You didn't have any family or friends out here?"
"Basically. I was dating someone who is from out here and I probably won't have seen the job posting if they hadn't been out here, but I certainly didn't move out here for him."
"What happened there?"
"It just didn't work."
"I bet that was rough moving out here and then having that not work and not having anyone around really."
"It wasn't too bad. The break-up was a long time coming."
"Well, his loss is my gain."
For the moment yes. But I wouldn't be counting my chickens just yet if I were you. I wonder how long it takes the human body to burn? Throwing myself on the fire pit must be less painful than sitting here.
"I'll be right back. I'm going to run to the restroom." And then maybe out the door...

~~~ In the bathroom~~~
"ALLISON!!!  I'm on the worst date ever! You have to rescue me!" I wailed. Literally wailed. I got sympathetic looks from strangers!
"Wait. You went? I thought you were going to bail?"
"I decided to sack up and come. Now I'm sorry I did! Here's what I need you to do; Wait 15 minutes. Call me twice. I'm going to ignore the calls. Then text me and tell you were in a car wreck and I have to come and get you."
"Ok. Then come drink with us. Jane, Adam and I are at Garf's on Bristol."
"Yeah!"

~~~Back at the table, or hell on earth as I was starting to think of it~~~
"So you mentioned you lived in Japan... Dating Japanese men must have been difficult."
"Yeah, sometimes it was. I dated one guy that I really liked and the reason it worked so well was because he was pretty progressive in terms of Japanese culture. He spent alot of time working in America and he had backpacked around India. He wasn't just looking for the Japanese version of a 1950s housewife."
"I was actually talking about the rumor about..." he said holding up his pinky finger to indicate a small penis.
"Oh." I know you perverted moron! I was just ignoring that because I have these things called manners! You've obviously never heard of them. I can't believe you are talking about private bits on a first date! You have a teenage daughter! Is this what you want her going out with? Because I sure don't want to be going out with it! Why hasn't Allison called? It must be way longer than 15 minutes by now!

So I made some more small talk about golf and work and continued to suffer under the oppressive regime of the giant douche bag I was on a date with.
"Are you sure you don't want another drink?" He asked sipping his second Manhattan (up, I might add).
"No. I should go soon. I have an early meeting." And friends that aren't horribly offensive waiting at the bar for me.
"Are you sure? You can skip that meeting..."
"No, I can't actually. I need to get some things firmed up for a project. But thanks for the bourbon. This is a great spot." I said pulling on my coat.

Notice how I never said anything about this being a great date, or how much fun I'd had.

"I'll walk you to your car."
"Thanks, but I can see it from here." I said trying to dissuade him.
"I'll still walk with you."

When we got to my car, I tried to go for the handshake, but he went in for the hug (shudder). And then he attempted to kiss me, but I jumped back just in time! I didn't want to hear what was coming out of his mouth, let alone let it get that close to me!

"Bye! Be careful driving home!" I said slamming and locking the door.
"Allison I am going to kill you!" I screamed into the phone!
"Oh my god! I forgot to call you! Come to Garf's we'll have a bourbon waiting for you!"
"Make it a double."