We've all been there.
You return from a few years living abroad and you decide to roll up to Best Buy and upgrade your DVD collection since you haven't seen Lost, Desperate Housewives, or these Kardashian people everyone keeps yammering about. As you walk across the street you realize the car you have crossed in front of is being driven by your ex-boyfriend from college, who, rather than risk being recognized, has hidden his face behind his hand and started to fiddle with the radio.
(I still wish I had gathered myself quickly enough to run over and tap on his window and make him talk to me. Coward.)
Or you go to return a few things to a recent dumpee and his mother answers the door wearing your favorite t-shirt, (which he claimed to not have seen when you asked for it back) while he hides out in his bedroom. Did I mention that this particular ex was 23 at the time? And that his mom was there to clean his apartment?
Or maybe you meet up with a friend of yours who lives on the opposite end of the country only to discover that the great guy she's met while visiting your island is none other than your ex-boyfriend.
Okay... So maybe its just me that has been in these particularly uncomfortable moments that I couldn't even make up if I'd wanted to. But you all know that feeling of running into an ex, their mother, their best friend, or being chased through the mall by their father, and learning something about them that kind of makes you grind your teeth, wrinkle your nose, and squint your eyes.
Oh, that's just me too?
Anyway...
You aren't exactly sad, but you couldn't say you are happy.
Nor are you particularly wistful for that old flame. It isn't as if you want them back. You wish you could keep the friendship to enjoy the good (a buddy to watch the Steelers' games, someone who likes Japanese style karaoke as much as you do, a good yoga teacher), but you are aggravated you tolerated the bad that was out-weighing the good as long as you did.
And it all stirs around in your gut to make you feel kind of, well, squishy inside.
And you can be sure that as soon as the squishy comes, the what ifs are close behind.
Luckily for me and my heart made of wood as my friend Andy so nicely put it, I usually, I feel like I dodged a bullet when I play this game.
What if we hadn't parted ways?
Would I be sending my kids to Hebrew school while he refused to go to Temple and listening to him bitch about my affinity for diet coke?
No, thank you. Not in this life!
What if we had kept dating and he had ruined another trip to a foreign country and made me listen to him play violin all the time?
Okay... so the violin part was sexy. But a bad traveler? UGH! Nope! Never! Not gonna happen!
But there are those that don't leave you wiping your brow with relief that you have Matrix-like ability to dodge bad situations in just the nick of time. There are instead those that make you rub your chest like old people do when they get heart burn.
And this is a heart burn, but one not induced by onions, cucumbers, or other foods that don't "agree" with my Mamaw.
It's also not easily cured by Malox, or easing up on the cucumbers.
A few weeks ago I was filling out an interest form for a women's organization I would like to join. Or at least would like to explore the idea of joining. I figured it might be a good way to meet some new friends, do some good in my community, and by extension, meet more men. As I cruised around on the organization's website exploring what kind of "good" I might be doing in my community should I join this group, I notice that they are having a holiday bazaar.
Now, I love a good bazzar; especially one that is holiday themed.
But it keeps getting better.
It lasts for four days!
And there is a gala. Who doesn't love a good gala?
OH, even better! There is a bachelor auction!
What is the one way I haven't tried to meet a man? Buying him! This could be great fun and excellent fonder for the blog and an even better meet-cute!! This might be where I am going wrong. I am an excellent shopper. Picking out a date on an auction block can't be much harder than finding the perfect sweater at Banana or winning an e-Bay auction. Right? I did score that amazing Jack George briefcase for a quarter of the price... I can do that with dudes! Half-Priced Hunk? Obviously, the title of my next blog...
Let's check out these hunks! I think as I click the link.
The link takes me to bios with pictures of all the eligible bachelors.
Hmmm... I should add a picture column to my excel spreadsheet... I can't believe I didn't think of that earlier! Ahhh Crigger! Where is you mind?
Oooo... He's cute. I'd pay to have dinner with him.
Oh, a stock broker. Maybe he could give me some tips. This one might be a wise investment.
A world traveler? Hmmm... that has some merit. Nevermind. Favorite destination is Thailand? Wrong answer. Its totally over-rated. I'm looking for Cambodia or Rwanda.
A date with this guy includes golf! Sweet! Its best to find out if they can take losing to a girl early on.
Oh. My. God.
GULP. Did someone suck all the oxygen out of the room?
My eyes must be playing tricks on me.
He can't be one of the bachelors.
So what if it is for a good cause.
Mr. I'd-be-honored-to-take-you-out-kissing-me-in-a-parking-lot-while-I-am-sweaty-and-looking-hideous-under-the-orange-glow-meeting-my-mom-and-bringing-me-moonshine is being auctioned off.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I was ready to quit all my dating and just date him, until he showcased his excellent magical skill with his disappearing act.
This is horrible.
HORRIBLE.
The feeling in my chest was worse than any heartburn I've ever imagined.
It was more akin to getting kicked in the chest.
By a kangaroo.
On steroids.
I have half a mind to go to that auction and bet $5 on him with the disclaimer of "I've been out with Zach! Five dollars is all its worth!"
Or I'll go and bet on everyone else!
Yeah! That's what I'll do! Kiss my tail, Zach!
Before I flew too far into space from that whopping kangaroo kick, rational Crigger kicked in:
If you go and do either of those things you, clearly only have half a mind.
This will not win you any friends. Just forget it.
Forget him.
You don't have to chase men. There are plenty chasing you.
You are better off without him. Obviously. If he doesn't see how lucky he is to be in your presence, he doesn't deserve to spend any more time you.
While I could stop myself from going to that auction and making a spectacle of myself, I couldn't stop the what ifs.
What if things had gone differently?
What if we were still seeing each other?
Would I be trying to figure out a Christmas present? Would I be introducing him to my friends?
Would I be hanging out with him rather than going to the bars with my friends.
Maybe if I was just seeing him I wouldn't be having as much fun with my friends, meeting lots of new people, and exploring more of Southern California.
Or maybe I'd be having a different kind of fun. A more exclusive, come over for dinner, let's watch a movie, or go to trivia night with our friends, explore So-Cal together kind of fun.
As much as this stings, and as squishy as my insides are when I think about this, I know that in the end, everything will be fine.
And since everything isn't fine.
This can't possibly be the end.
You return from a few years living abroad and you decide to roll up to Best Buy and upgrade your DVD collection since you haven't seen Lost, Desperate Housewives, or these Kardashian people everyone keeps yammering about. As you walk across the street you realize the car you have crossed in front of is being driven by your ex-boyfriend from college, who, rather than risk being recognized, has hidden his face behind his hand and started to fiddle with the radio.
(I still wish I had gathered myself quickly enough to run over and tap on his window and make him talk to me. Coward.)
Or you go to return a few things to a recent dumpee and his mother answers the door wearing your favorite t-shirt, (which he claimed to not have seen when you asked for it back) while he hides out in his bedroom. Did I mention that this particular ex was 23 at the time? And that his mom was there to clean his apartment?
Or maybe you meet up with a friend of yours who lives on the opposite end of the country only to discover that the great guy she's met while visiting your island is none other than your ex-boyfriend.
Okay... So maybe its just me that has been in these particularly uncomfortable moments that I couldn't even make up if I'd wanted to. But you all know that feeling of running into an ex, their mother, their best friend, or being chased through the mall by their father, and learning something about them that kind of makes you grind your teeth, wrinkle your nose, and squint your eyes.
Oh, that's just me too?
Anyway...
You aren't exactly sad, but you couldn't say you are happy.
Nor are you particularly wistful for that old flame. It isn't as if you want them back. You wish you could keep the friendship to enjoy the good (a buddy to watch the Steelers' games, someone who likes Japanese style karaoke as much as you do, a good yoga teacher), but you are aggravated you tolerated the bad that was out-weighing the good as long as you did.
And it all stirs around in your gut to make you feel kind of, well, squishy inside.
And you can be sure that as soon as the squishy comes, the what ifs are close behind.
Luckily for me and my heart made of wood as my friend Andy so nicely put it, I usually, I feel like I dodged a bullet when I play this game.
What if I hadn't dumped him?
Oh, GAWD... I would probably be pregnant, living in a ticky-tacky, cookie cutter house, working as an attorney in Lexington, and probably not allowed to talk to my best friends because they watched Sex and the City?
Shudder
Oh, GAWD... I would probably be pregnant, living in a ticky-tacky, cookie cutter house, working as an attorney in Lexington, and probably not allowed to talk to my best friends because they watched Sex and the City?
Shudder
What if we hadn't parted ways?
Would I be sending my kids to Hebrew school while he refused to go to Temple and listening to him bitch about my affinity for diet coke?
No, thank you. Not in this life!
What if we had kept dating and he had ruined another trip to a foreign country and made me listen to him play violin all the time?
Okay... so the violin part was sexy. But a bad traveler? UGH! Nope! Never! Not gonna happen!
But there are those that don't leave you wiping your brow with relief that you have Matrix-like ability to dodge bad situations in just the nick of time. There are instead those that make you rub your chest like old people do when they get heart burn.
And this is a heart burn, but one not induced by onions, cucumbers, or other foods that don't "agree" with my Mamaw.
It's also not easily cured by Malox, or easing up on the cucumbers.
A few weeks ago I was filling out an interest form for a women's organization I would like to join. Or at least would like to explore the idea of joining. I figured it might be a good way to meet some new friends, do some good in my community, and by extension, meet more men. As I cruised around on the organization's website exploring what kind of "good" I might be doing in my community should I join this group, I notice that they are having a holiday bazaar.
Now, I love a good bazzar; especially one that is holiday themed.
But it keeps getting better.
It lasts for four days!
And there is a gala. Who doesn't love a good gala?
OH, even better! There is a bachelor auction!
What is the one way I haven't tried to meet a man? Buying him! This could be great fun and excellent fonder for the blog and an even better meet-cute!! This might be where I am going wrong. I am an excellent shopper. Picking out a date on an auction block can't be much harder than finding the perfect sweater at Banana or winning an e-Bay auction. Right? I did score that amazing Jack George briefcase for a quarter of the price... I can do that with dudes! Half-Priced Hunk? Obviously, the title of my next blog...
Let's check out these hunks! I think as I click the link.
The link takes me to bios with pictures of all the eligible bachelors.
Hmmm... I should add a picture column to my excel spreadsheet... I can't believe I didn't think of that earlier! Ahhh Crigger! Where is you mind?
Oooo... He's cute. I'd pay to have dinner with him.
Oh, a stock broker. Maybe he could give me some tips. This one might be a wise investment.
A world traveler? Hmmm... that has some merit. Nevermind. Favorite destination is Thailand? Wrong answer. Its totally over-rated. I'm looking for Cambodia or Rwanda.
A date with this guy includes golf! Sweet! Its best to find out if they can take losing to a girl early on.
Oh. My. God.
GULP. Did someone suck all the oxygen out of the room?
My eyes must be playing tricks on me.
He can't be one of the bachelors.
So what if it is for a good cause.
Mr. I'd-be-honored-to-take-you-out-kissing-me-in-a-parking-lot-while-I-am-sweaty-and-looking-hideous-under-the-orange-glow-meeting-my-mom-and-bringing-me-moonshine is being auctioned off.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I was ready to quit all my dating and just date him, until he showcased his excellent magical skill with his disappearing act.
This is horrible.
HORRIBLE.
The feeling in my chest was worse than any heartburn I've ever imagined.
It was more akin to getting kicked in the chest.
By a kangaroo.
On steroids.
I have half a mind to go to that auction and bet $5 on him with the disclaimer of "I've been out with Zach! Five dollars is all its worth!"
Or I'll go and bet on everyone else!
Yeah! That's what I'll do! Kiss my tail, Zach!
Before I flew too far into space from that whopping kangaroo kick, rational Crigger kicked in:
If you go and do either of those things you, clearly only have half a mind.
This will not win you any friends. Just forget it.
Forget him.
You don't have to chase men. There are plenty chasing you.
You are better off without him. Obviously. If he doesn't see how lucky he is to be in your presence, he doesn't deserve to spend any more time you.
While I could stop myself from going to that auction and making a spectacle of myself, I couldn't stop the what ifs.
What if things had gone differently?
What if we were still seeing each other?
Would I be trying to figure out a Christmas present? Would I be introducing him to my friends?
Would I be hanging out with him rather than going to the bars with my friends.
Maybe if I was just seeing him I wouldn't be having as much fun with my friends, meeting lots of new people, and exploring more of Southern California.
Or maybe I'd be having a different kind of fun. A more exclusive, come over for dinner, let's watch a movie, or go to trivia night with our friends, explore So-Cal together kind of fun.
As much as this stings, and as squishy as my insides are when I think about this, I know that in the end, everything will be fine.
And since everything isn't fine.
This can't possibly be the end.
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