Yesterday I left work a bit later than I meant to, which meant I arrived at yoga right at 4:30.
I hate getting to yoga right on time. Yoga is the one place I am never late.
In fact I am usually early.
By a good 15 minutes.
People who have gone anywhere with me and are reading this blog probably now need to be revived, because my typical idea of early is 15 minutes late.
BUT...
Yoga mat real estate is like apartment real estate. You know you're going to have be near other people. It is unavoidable. BUT if you can swing it so they are only on one side, you're that much happier.
Getting there 15 minutes early assures me "my spot"; In the back, by the wall, preferably in the corner.
Don't worry Johnny, this Baby is happy in the corner. (And is also happy when it rains.)
In my spot I can do head stands and hand stands until my heart is content without worrying that I'll take someone out.
The extra 15 minutes allows me to adjust to the room temp, quiet my chatter-box brain, and prepare myself for 90 minutes of me time.
It is my favorite time of day.
I can walk into yoga being a ball of stress. Head aching. Shoulders hunched up like roided-out wrestler. To-do lists running through my brain like the dials on a slot machine.
But I step on that mat and I magically start...to...slow...d...o...w...n.
I walk out of yoga taller, more relaxed. Calm even. In that 90 minutes I become better version of myself.
I'm better able to breath through the difficult moments that will undoubtedly come later.
Usually.
Luckily, my Tuesday class has been starting a little late, so I was able to snag the last remaining spot on the back wall before class actually started. This meant crowding two other people, despite there being an open space in the middle of the room, but I HATE being in the center of the room.
The center of attention? I'm fine with that.
The center of the yoga room? No, thanks.
So scoot over fellow yogis, it's about to get cozy.
I rolled out my mat, typed a quick note to my room-mate, and settled onto my mat.
Ahhhhhhh. I thought dropping my chin to my chest, letting my hair fall into my face, widening across my collarbones, and dropping my shoulder blades.
This is going to be just what I need after my crazy work day. This is gonna feel great! I thought rolling my head to the left and right, and slowly blinking my eyes open. Whoa, the room has filled up in these last few moments, I said to myself surveying the space that had been empty only minutes before.
Oh. Em. Geee. I thought as the panic closed in like the Hulk's hand around my throat as I watched my ex-boyfriend drop a blanket beside his yoga mat.
What the heck is he doing here? Thank goodness I haven't put my hair up yet! I thought as I dropped my head, letting my hair fall forward and pretending to be entranced by my chipping fingernail polish.
Why is he coming to yoga here? He never went to yoga when we dated, despite the fact that he was a yoga teacher at one time! Hmmm... looks like he's put on some weight since I saw him last. I said to myself as peaked around my hair curtain. One point for Crigger!
Ugh! Is there anyway I can get out of here without him seeing me? I could probably get up and act like I'm going to the bathroom and send someone in to get my mat and keys... And while one of the desk workers is collecting my belongings I can tell the others I have a restraining order against him so he can't come to yoga here. That is probably not the best course of action. I'll surely earn some bad karma that way.
"Deep breath in. Long slow exhale out." said the teacher in what I can only assume was meant to be a soothing voice, but was grating on my nerves like a yippie barking dog.
UGH... seriously. I can hear him breathing from 5 feet away. I can hear him now telling me, "Take a deep breath and breath deeply. You need to calm down. You need to relax." He was always telling me that garbage when I would get excited about something. It used to make soooooo annoyed.
WHY IS HERE?
And yes I do realize I just called breathing garbage. In a yoga class. But you know what I mean!
Leaving in general is a sure way to attract attention. He's like T-Rex. He'll see movement. Maybe I can blend in. And this is MY studio! I've been coming here since I moved over here and he has never once shown up in any of my regular classes! He's not running me out of here. He should leave.
"Alright everyone. Let's come into downward dog."
Why do I still have on grandmother's ring. If he hasn't already seen me. He'll see the ring and know it's me! Its HUGE. And incredibly unique. And if we turn around and he sees the inside of my left foot, he'll see my tattoo. There is no escaping now.
"Come into plank pose."
Hmmmm, someone hasn't been doing much yoga lately. This is plank pose. Not dolphin. Get your butt out of the air.
"Lower down. Up dog. Down dog." The instructor cued.
If there was a yoga contest in break ups, I would be winning. I would also be winning the who looks better contest and I am sweaty mess. BAM!
And the flow portion of class continued with me being sure to turn my head before he turned to look in my direction and with me never EVER looking in his direction.
"Alright. Let's see if everyone can find space on the wall and we'll work on hand stands."
Oh no! OH NO! What if he ends up beside me. Then I'll have to talk to him. Please, please, please dear sweet baby Jesus, make me invisible. Or at leas let him go to the other side of the room. Preferably the side of the room where the black hole is, so he can fall in and disappear fooooorevvvvvver.
"Can I fit here?"
"Of course!" I said with a happy sigh scooting my mat over and making room for a pretty blonde lady.
Jay ended up in the corner near the door from what my peripheral vision told me.
A few minutes into our handstand practice the instructor approached me.
"You have a great handstand. I think you could do it away from the wall if you locked out your left arm."
Why, oh, why, did she have to ask about my crooked left arm! This is like the time when I took one of Jay's classes and he came over and turned my arm making me yell, "It doesn't bend that way!" At this point we'd been dating for at least 4 months and he knew about my wonky broken elbow.
"That is actually as locked out as it gets." I said coming out of the handstand and positioning myself with my back to Jay, so I could talk to the teacher. "I had a riding accident where I shattered my elbow. And so now its kind wonky."
Why did I have to give her so much detail! If he didn't know I was here before, he sure does now! My voice and accent are so distinctive! Especially in a small space! Stupid! Stupid! Crigger!
By the time we made it through the back-bend segment of class I thought I had a solid escape plan mapped out. I figured I'd wait until everyone was lying down for shavasina and then I would split. But when the time came to cut and run, I couldn't do it. Largely because I have an extreme dislike for people who skip out of shavasina, and I've hear this particular teacher call people out for leaving. No need to attract additional attention.
So after shavasina I threw on my sweater, turned my back to Jay, rolled up my mat, and was literally the first person out the door. I contemplated not even putting on my shoes, and instead just grabbing them and running out the door.
But I didn't.
I managed to walk calmly out the door before I broke into a sprint to my car, saving a silent "Thank you" to the car gods that I wasn't still driving GP, as that would certainly have given me away.
In my car I hunkered down and panickly dialed Preston's cell phone number.
"You'll never believe what just happened." I exclaimed breathlessly!
I hate getting to yoga right on time. Yoga is the one place I am never late.
In fact I am usually early.
By a good 15 minutes.
People who have gone anywhere with me and are reading this blog probably now need to be revived, because my typical idea of early is 15 minutes late.
BUT...
Yoga mat real estate is like apartment real estate. You know you're going to have be near other people. It is unavoidable. BUT if you can swing it so they are only on one side, you're that much happier.
Getting there 15 minutes early assures me "my spot"; In the back, by the wall, preferably in the corner.
Don't worry Johnny, this Baby is happy in the corner. (And is also happy when it rains.)
In my spot I can do head stands and hand stands until my heart is content without worrying that I'll take someone out.
The extra 15 minutes allows me to adjust to the room temp, quiet my chatter-box brain, and prepare myself for 90 minutes of me time.
It is my favorite time of day.
I can walk into yoga being a ball of stress. Head aching. Shoulders hunched up like roided-out wrestler. To-do lists running through my brain like the dials on a slot machine.
But I step on that mat and I magically start...to...slow...d...o...w...n.
I walk out of yoga taller, more relaxed. Calm even. In that 90 minutes I become better version of myself.
I'm better able to breath through the difficult moments that will undoubtedly come later.
Usually.
Luckily, my Tuesday class has been starting a little late, so I was able to snag the last remaining spot on the back wall before class actually started. This meant crowding two other people, despite there being an open space in the middle of the room, but I HATE being in the center of the room.
The center of attention? I'm fine with that.
The center of the yoga room? No, thanks.
So scoot over fellow yogis, it's about to get cozy.
I rolled out my mat, typed a quick note to my room-mate, and settled onto my mat.
Ahhhhhhh. I thought dropping my chin to my chest, letting my hair fall into my face, widening across my collarbones, and dropping my shoulder blades.
This is going to be just what I need after my crazy work day. This is gonna feel great! I thought rolling my head to the left and right, and slowly blinking my eyes open. Whoa, the room has filled up in these last few moments, I said to myself surveying the space that had been empty only minutes before.
Oh. Em. Geee. I thought as the panic closed in like the Hulk's hand around my throat as I watched my ex-boyfriend drop a blanket beside his yoga mat.
What the heck is he doing here? Thank goodness I haven't put my hair up yet! I thought as I dropped my head, letting my hair fall forward and pretending to be entranced by my chipping fingernail polish.
Why is he coming to yoga here? He never went to yoga when we dated, despite the fact that he was a yoga teacher at one time! Hmmm... looks like he's put on some weight since I saw him last. I said to myself as peaked around my hair curtain. One point for Crigger!
Ugh! Is there anyway I can get out of here without him seeing me? I could probably get up and act like I'm going to the bathroom and send someone in to get my mat and keys... And while one of the desk workers is collecting my belongings I can tell the others I have a restraining order against him so he can't come to yoga here. That is probably not the best course of action. I'll surely earn some bad karma that way.
"Deep breath in. Long slow exhale out." said the teacher in what I can only assume was meant to be a soothing voice, but was grating on my nerves like a yippie barking dog.
UGH... seriously. I can hear him breathing from 5 feet away. I can hear him now telling me, "Take a deep breath and breath deeply. You need to calm down. You need to relax." He was always telling me that garbage when I would get excited about something. It used to make soooooo annoyed.
WHY IS HERE?
And yes I do realize I just called breathing garbage. In a yoga class. But you know what I mean!
"Deep breath in. Long slow exhale out."
Leaving in general is a sure way to attract attention. He's like T-Rex. He'll see movement. Maybe I can blend in. And this is MY studio! I've been coming here since I moved over here and he has never once shown up in any of my regular classes! He's not running me out of here. He should leave.
"Alright everyone. Let's come into downward dog."
Why do I still have on grandmother's ring. If he hasn't already seen me. He'll see the ring and know it's me! Its HUGE. And incredibly unique. And if we turn around and he sees the inside of my left foot, he'll see my tattoo. There is no escaping now.
"Come into plank pose."
Hmmmm, someone hasn't been doing much yoga lately. This is plank pose. Not dolphin. Get your butt out of the air.
"Lower down. Up dog. Down dog." The instructor cued.
If there was a yoga contest in break ups, I would be winning. I would also be winning the who looks better contest and I am sweaty mess. BAM!
And the flow portion of class continued with me being sure to turn my head before he turned to look in my direction and with me never EVER looking in his direction.
"Alright. Let's see if everyone can find space on the wall and we'll work on hand stands."
Oh no! OH NO! What if he ends up beside me. Then I'll have to talk to him. Please, please, please dear sweet baby Jesus, make me invisible. Or at leas let him go to the other side of the room. Preferably the side of the room where the black hole is, so he can fall in and disappear fooooorevvvvvver.
"Can I fit here?"
"Of course!" I said with a happy sigh scooting my mat over and making room for a pretty blonde lady.
Jay ended up in the corner near the door from what my peripheral vision told me.
A few minutes into our handstand practice the instructor approached me.
"You have a great handstand. I think you could do it away from the wall if you locked out your left arm."
Why, oh, why, did she have to ask about my crooked left arm! This is like the time when I took one of Jay's classes and he came over and turned my arm making me yell, "It doesn't bend that way!" At this point we'd been dating for at least 4 months and he knew about my wonky broken elbow.
"That is actually as locked out as it gets." I said coming out of the handstand and positioning myself with my back to Jay, so I could talk to the teacher. "I had a riding accident where I shattered my elbow. And so now its kind wonky."
Why did I have to give her so much detail! If he didn't know I was here before, he sure does now! My voice and accent are so distinctive! Especially in a small space! Stupid! Stupid! Crigger!
By the time we made it through the back-bend segment of class I thought I had a solid escape plan mapped out. I figured I'd wait until everyone was lying down for shavasina and then I would split. But when the time came to cut and run, I couldn't do it. Largely because I have an extreme dislike for people who skip out of shavasina, and I've hear this particular teacher call people out for leaving. No need to attract additional attention.
So after shavasina I threw on my sweater, turned my back to Jay, rolled up my mat, and was literally the first person out the door. I contemplated not even putting on my shoes, and instead just grabbing them and running out the door.
But I didn't.
I managed to walk calmly out the door before I broke into a sprint to my car, saving a silent "Thank you" to the car gods that I wasn't still driving GP, as that would certainly have given me away.
In my car I hunkered down and panickly dialed Preston's cell phone number.
"You'll never believe what just happened." I exclaimed breathlessly!
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